by SIANA LOVE  9 months ago in SLAM POETRY

Looking into the mirror what do I see?

I see a beautiful smart woman looking at me

I see pain behind her hazel eyes

I see sadness behind her smile

But I also see a glimpse of hope between her teeth as if it’s inside her looking for a way to come out

I see a girl that wasn’t loved enough

I see a girl who was loved so much that she can’t even see it

That’s why she wears glasses,

To help her focus on what’s really important in life

I glance down and I see her body

A temple created from the one she calls Father

But God forbid someone told her she was beautiful

She’d smile and politely say thank you but deep down that word would be the meaning of doubt in her ears

When she hears she is beautiful she stands confused

As if they need the glasses to see what she is seeing

She wonders if they call her pretty in a way of making fun of the fat girl with a nice face

Or a way of proving to her that they don’t fat shame

Did you know that she hates silence? The girl in the mirror

She can’t stand being in a room full of people and no one talking

She knows they can hear her breathing, gasping for air

Sometimes they would ask “why are you breathing so hard?” as if she does it on purpose

She can’t control it, but it happens

So she tries to make conversation, hopefully, this will distract them into a conversation and not focus on her breathing because that’s all shes focused on in a silent room

Did you know that she drowns in the silence?

Thoughts come over her like a wave storm and now she’s thinking about why her dad couldn’t be there for her like every other dad is, she wonders why she isn’t loved?

She turns to all this approval from men because she never got anything from her dad

She hides her shames, her tears, her pain… Behind that “nice” face

Those beautiful hazel eyes, they have cried themselves to sleep so many times

That smile… Is a reminder that she must be strong, for her, even if no one sees

She’s at war with herself, trying to be more outgoing but the extra skin on her body weighs her down so she stays hidden, waiting that hopefully someone will find her and give her the one thing she needs most…. Love