Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research and then craft a story to answer as many as we can. This week we tapped Cheryl Fagan, sexpert and founder of On Top, to provide the steamy secret to standout stamina. She’s also responsible for deeply explaining holistic sexuality to our readers.

We know you’re antsy for the answer, so we’ll let her take it from here.

I Want to Last Longer in Bed. What Can I Do? 

“The answer to this question will differ from person to person. This question takes some self-inquiry. It’s not necessarily a matter of tricks and techniques you need to learn but getting real within and knowing what it is that you are expecting from the experience of sex.

Why do you want to last longer? Are you getting tired? Or bored? Is it because the pleasure is so intense you can’t get enough or is it that you think you ‘should be going for longer? This question needs to be considered from a biopsychosocial approach. There could be something going on hormonally or maybe medication is having an influence (I’d encourage seeing a medical professional rule this out). We want to consider some cultural myths or expectations that you may need to let go of. Are there interpersonal relationship issues? Do you feel safe? Do you know your sexual needs matter just as much as your partner’s? How are your self-esteem and sexual energy?

We live in a culture that is constantly telling us that sex is about performance, but satisfying/nourishing/mind-blowing sex is so much deeper than that. It’s not just about lasting longer but being completely satisfied. So how can we help you find sexual satisfaction…

Without knowing all of the details, I’m going to approach this from a psychological perspective. What did I mean earlier when I said it’s not about tricks, but about self-awareness? Knowing your sexual inhibitions and how to work with them is the key to having the sex life you desire.

Sexual inhibitions can be conscious or subconscious blocks that we have to experience sexual desire or arousal. They can be a result of your upbringing, social conditioning, past experiences, and so on.

It’s not about more techniques or skills but lessening those inhibitions.

One aspect of being sexually empowered is knowing your ons and offs. What turns you on and what turns you off? List them. Consider your most memorable and mind-blowing sexual experience (if you don’t think you’ve had that—what is a fantasy?), and write down what you felt, smelled, saw, tasted, and heard. What was so good about it? Now think of a not-so-great sexual experience and answer those same questions. Don’t judge yourself—if you don’t like some positions, that’s OK, or if you like the lights a certain way, that’s OK. Once you have a better sense of this and can communicate that to yourself and then to your partner(s), you’re on the road to the sex you desire. Being able to honestly communicate about sex is one of the greatest determining factors of how enjoyable sex will be for you.

Once you understand your ons and offs better, act on that. Do the things that increase your arousal and limit the offs. When you’re so aroused, present in the moment, and prioritizing your pleasure and your partner’s pleasure, I am sure it will last as long as you both need for the satisfaction you’re after.”

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