Tag: Advice on Orgasm

“I Lost My Orgasm. HOW DO I GET IT BACK?”

Published on by Crystal LeeLeave a comment

Hello again, dear friend Anonymous.

Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we answer them with the help of an expert. The topic of our latest submission: lost orgasms.

Ever gone through a time where, no matter what you do, you just can’t climax? Like, even the things that normally get you off just…don’t send you over the edge?

We tapped global sexologist and mentor Juliette Allen to share tips on how to find your O again.

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1. IS IT COMMON TO GO THROUGH PERIODS WHERE YOU CAN’T REACH ORGASM?

“Yes, it’s very common. We all go through ups and downs in life, and these different seasons in life can have a huge impact on our orgasmic potential. It’s normal for these periods to happen in life. Don’t stress too much, as that will only make the situation worse.”

2. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?

“Some of the common life changes that impact orgasm are increased stress, job change, breakup, pregnancy, parenting, any kind of trauma, sickness, disease, death of a loved one—the list goes on. As life ebbs and flows, so does the orgasmic energy in our body, not to mention our libido.

“The state of a relationship also has a huge impact on orgasm—lack of communication, verbal and physical abuse, manipulative behavior, stress, mismatched libido, parenting together. If our relationship isn’t thriving as a whole, our ability to orgasm can plummet. It’s like our body intentionally decommissions our libido and ability to enjoy pleasure when our energy is taken up trying to fix or process relationship challenges.”

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3. CAN YOU SHARE SOME ADVICE?

“First, take time to look at your stress levels, and then take positive steps toward more ease and rest in everyday life. Take a good hard look at your romantic relationship and make the necessary changes to initiate more harmony and love. And then lastly, be kind and patient with yourself. Your ability to orgasm WILL return, I promise! It just may take some time and acceptance of where you’re at right now in life.

How Can You Know For Sure That You’ve Had An Orgasm?

Published on by Crystal Lee8 Comments

Yes, yes. Orgasms. Before we get semi-surface-level-knee-deep into this thing, let me just say that, if there are two times in life when the same response is probably annoying as hell to the people who personally can’t relate, it would have to be when it comes to being in love and having an orgasm. And what reply am I referring to specifically? It’s when someone asks, “So, how do you know when it’s actually happened?” and those who’ve been through it, pause, reflect, exhale and then say, “Girl, you just…know.”

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On the climax tip, I get that, if you’ve never truly been to the mountaintop before, hearing that answer isn’t really offering up much help (although there is a ton of truth in that statement). And so, whether you’ve never had sex before and you’re curious or you’ve had a fair share of sexual experiences but things are still unclear as far as whether you’ve had as much fun as everyone else, I’m gonna try and break down how you can know that you’ve had an orgasm before. Get your glass of wine and sit back.

So, Really—What Is an Orgasm?

Anyway, it wasn’t until a License Therapist said “How can you get anyone to please you when you don’t even know how to please yourself?” ( She was saying this to make a valid point for a particular topic we were having at the moment. Don’t worry she was professional and very kind) I said, ” Yeah…” and entered into the world of masturbation (another topic that I’ll have to share my personal take on at another time). And when I compared that to the intercourse I was experiencing with my then-boyfriend, yes—I definitely knew when I had my first orgasm and he definitely wasn’t in the picture. I then started experiencing orgasms via oral sex with my second sexual partner and lawd—talk about cuing in Peobo Bryson and Regina Belle’s “A Whole New World” (with a DeVante Swing remix to it)! Ever since my early years and experiencing sexual instances when I truly felt like my body was gonna explode, I know, without question, that I’ve had an orgasm before. At this point in my life, many times over too.

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And just what exactly is an orgasm?

I think the best way to describe it, without it looking like a science paper, is to say that an orgasm is the pinnacle of sexual tension that comes as the result of rhythmic contractions that occur within your uterus, pelvic floor and vagina—all at the same time.

It typically transpires in three phases:

Excitement: Which is when you’re aroused (typically during foreplay) and then blood starts to rush to your genital region. It’s also when there is an increase of testosterone, dopamine and serotonin in your system which makes you feel warm and stimulated.

Plateau: This is when sexual tension builds, right up to the point where you feel a mixture of thinking you might have to pee (that’s the best way to describe it, I think) and you having very little control over yourself. When you hear people on movies doing all of the yelling ‘n stuff? It’s usually right at this point.

Orgasm: This is when the contractions come. They aren’t painful (like when a woman is giving birth). They feel really good—and a bit overwhelming. The warmth that you started to feel during the excitement phase then spreads all throughout your body, a huge release transpires and you finally are able to catch your breath and start to resume a regular breathing pattern. As far as how long orgasms last, the average is somewhere between 18-51 seconds apiece (I say, “a piece” because some people can have multiple orgasms).

OK, so now that you know what an orgasm is, let me just briefly go (back) over what some of the signs are:

  • Increased heart rate and breathing
  • Warm feelings, starting in your genital region
  • Multiple vaginal contractions
  • Hyper-sensitivity immediately following (especially in your vaginal region)
  • An immediate feeling of calm and serenity after
  • Basically, when you can’t feel your legs, your breathing is on a all time high. It feels like you can’t catch your breath, there isn’t any oxygen in your heart. And, your Clitoris will feel like a heart beat going like 80mph. The clit will be super sensitive and everything.

There Are Multiple Kinds of Orgasms. Vaginal Being the Most Challenging.

Now that you know what an orgasm is from a technical standpoint, it’s important that I reiterate that orgasms don’t only happen via intercourse. I’ve already shared that my first ones came from masturbation and receiving oral sex. The two things that both of these acts have in common is the focus is put on stimulating my clitoris (including my clitoral hood).

The clitoris is amazing because there is no scientific reason for why it exists other than sexual stimulation. So, the chances of you having an orgasm increase, astronomically so, if the focus is put onto your clitoris, along with your erogenous zones. In fact, this is why a lot of medical and sex experts believe that there are (at least) 11 different types of orgasms a woman can have including a clitoral, anal, nipple, blended and vaginal one.

So, the first thing to keep in mind—and it truly can’t be stated enough—is it’s important to know the difference between an orgasm and a vaginal orgasm. If you’ve experienced many of the things that I’ve described, then there’s still a good chance that you’ve had one before. However, it’s the vaginal one that can give women a bit of trouble; around 70 percent of women, to be exact.

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Why is that? A lot of medical and sex experts believe that, physically, it may be tied into the fact that the closer a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for her to experience a vaginal orgasm. That makes sense if you think about the fact that it’s our clit, not our vagina, that stimulates us the most. So basically, this means that probably the main reason why a lot of women don’t have vaginal orgasms is due to how their body is naturally designed (if their clitoris is able to be directly stimulated during intercourse)—not because anything is necessary “wrong” with them.

Yet what if you’re one of those kinds of people who don’t like being told “no”, in any area and so, you’re simply not content with accepting that maybe you should shift your focus on having orgasms period and not just a vaginal one? In walks my final point for today.

What Can You Do to Increase Your Chances of Experiencing One?

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I write about orgasms a lot. That’s how much I dig ’em. I really do think that striving for an orgasm period, should be the greater goal, but if you want to give having a vaginal orgasm a more intentional shot, here are five things that you can do.

Try some orgasmic meditation. Stress is the enemy of, just about everything. And the reality is that one of the main reasons why a lot of us have a hard time climaxing is because we have a really difficult time relaxing. If you can relate, something that can help is something that is known as orgasmic meditation. In short, it’s when you and your partner practice a form of “mindful touching”. You get quiet, you deep breathe and he intentionally focuses on stroking your clitoris as a form of an erotic build-up. Think of it as meditative edging. It’s erotic AF while also extremely calming at the same time. You can read more about it by checking out “What Exactly Is ‘Orgasmic Meditation’?“.

Bring more foreplay into the mix. On average, men can climax within five minutes while it takes us somewhere between 15-20. A lot of that time has very little to do with the orgasm itself; it’s all about getting to the exciting part that we talked about earlier. What helps that to happen is foreplay. One of the reasons why I wrote the articles, “9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.“, “8 Men & 8 Women Told Me What They Wish Their Partner Would STOP Doing In Bed” is because, if there’s one thing that all of those posts have in common, it’s driving home the point of how important communication is.

Real talk, a lot of people aren’t “sexually incompatible“, so much as they are not being truly open and honest about their sexual wants and needs. Trust me, if the foreplay is on point, it is so much easier to have an orgasm—any kind but especially a vaginal one.

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Get into the right/best positions. All sexual positions serve a purpose, but certain ones can accomplish certain goals quicker than others. When it comes to trying to have a vaginal orgasm, some of the positions that can help you to best achieve your goal include the reverse cowgirl (it’s a great way for your partner’s penis to stimulate your clitoris during penetration); being on your side (he can rub your clitoris during penetration); what I call the “cat position” (it’s just like the doggy style but you’re on your stomach rather than on your knees; deeper penetration can happen that way); the chest bump (which is when you’re in the missionary position but your arch your back while being thrust; it angles your clitoris to touch his shaft) and, when your legs are over his shoulders (again…deeper penetration).

Have an emotional connection. If you go to your favorite search engine and you put “married sex is best” in the search field, you’ll see quite a few links to articles on why sex is best when you’re in a long-term and fully committed relationship. A big part of why is because you can fully trust your partner with your desires, your fantasies, your vulnerabilities, what has worked (and has not) worked in the past. Listen, you can have good mechanical sex with a whole lot of people. But even the most sexually active (or sexually cynical) person will vouch for the fact that when there’s an emotional connection with the person you’re “engaging with”, sex really doesn’t get much better than that—physically or otherwise.

Don’t overthink it. It’s kinda crazy that so many of us overthink when, more times than not, all that really does is create problems that don’t exist. When it comes to trying to have a vaginal orgasm, please never let it leave your mind that your partner enjoying you as you enjoy them should be the main focal point. If you chill out, relax and let things naturally happen (as your clitoris is getting well taken care of), you’ve got a far greater chance of having one than if you worry about “getting there” all of the time. Orgasms are wooooooooooonderful. Don’t let anyone tell you that they’re not. But you are still a sexy, beautiful, amazing woman whether you have one or you don’t—vaginal or not. Keep that in mind and watch how many fireworks go off for you. Most likely when you least expect them to…too. #wink

Are Nipple ORGASMS REAL?

Published on by Crystal Lee3 Comments

Yes, nipple orgasms are real. How exciting … literally!

There are many erogenous zones north of the genitals, such as the ears, neck, stomach, and any other place on your body that gets you going. People of all genders report pleasurable sensations in their nipples, but stop short of realizing the orgasmic potential hidden in this sensitive tissue.

When it comes to sexual pleasure, there is so much more to know about the Big O. Mainstream media and porn would have us think of breasts as merely ornamental, solely for procreation, or that the path to orgasmic pleasure starts and stops with penetrative sex, but that is simply not the case. The human body maintains the capacity for pleasure in many forms, in many places, and the opportunities are abundant above the waist.

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What does a nipple orgasm feel like?
Like any pleasurable sexual sensation, there is incredible diversity in the frequency and quality of the experience from person to person. Nipple orgasms can feel much like a traditional genital orgasm, replete with pelvic contractions, or they can feel like strong, radiating vibrations emanating from the breasts throughout the entire body. Whoa!

Nipple orgasms can lead up to genital orgasms, happen at the same time, or occur on their own. The genital sensory cortex lights up the same way for nipple stimulation as it does for clitoral and other genital stimulation, and oxytocin is released into the bloodstream following both kinds of orgasms. There are as many variations for stand-alone, blended, and multiple orgasms as you are willing to explore.

The good news is that anyone with nipples (regardless of gender) has the potential to experience nipple orgasms. However, a breast reduction, breast implants, or nipple piercings can diminish nipple sensitivity. Don’t fret if you find yourself unable to have nipple orgasms on their own, but perhaps give yourself a little more time with your breasts and nipples before you rule it out as an option or an augment to your already steamy sexy time.

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How do you have a nipple orgasm?
Nipple orgasms may feel out of reach, especially if you are someone who has struggled to achieve genital orgasms. Like any sexual experience, the more mindful you are, the more likely it will be mind-blowing. First, set the stage for sexual vitality. You know what you like. Prepare your mind, body, and space for optimal pleasure. Check your senses. Do you like what you see, hear, smell, taste, and can feel around you? If not, make some adjustments so the ambiance is just right. Light some beeswax candles, get some sexy smells permeating the room, put on something that is texturally pleasing to your skin … or take it all off. Whatever works for you. Take a few deep breaths, clear your mind, and give yourself permission to feel every cell in your body.

You can experiment with nipple orgasms alone or with a partner, and you may notice different sensations on your skin, breast, and nipple tissue, in both scenarios. In either case, take some time and give all of your erogenous zones some love. When you’re good and turned on, you’re ready to conjure a nipple-gasm. Start slow and on your breasts. With your fingertips, caress the skin of your breasts. You might toy with alternating between your fingertips, fingernails, or any other textile that feels good. Wet nipples (you can use saliva, lube, lotion, massage oil, or water) generally experience more intense sensations, but pay attention to how your body responds. There is no one way to get there.

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Increase the stimulation by moving toward more circular motions, closer and closer to your areolas and nipples, but tease them. Gently caress or squeeze them, intermittently with other stroking movements, to heighten a sense of anticipation. As your nipples become more erect, you might play with gently pulling on or pinching them.

Start with a light pinch, and if it feels good to you, increase your grip or even try a nipple clamp. Try twisting your nipples or rolling them between your fingers. If you are playing with a partner, or are really, really flexible, use your tongue and start licking, kissing, sucking, and blowing on the nipple. Sucking on a nipple or gently nibbling (you might want to wrap your teeth in your lips for a softer nibble) can increase blood flow to that area and lead to even more intense pleasure.

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If you notice that your nipples are not rising to the occasion, try adjusting the temperature. Warming oils, tingling lubes, or ice cubes can be a game-changer. Some cold chocolate or caramel syrup can be a real treat for you both too. Don’t hold back. Let your imagination run wild. Looking for a new toy? Try a regular or nipple vibrator. Yes, they exist too, and some brands even have versions that come equipped with built-in suction, freeing up your hands for added fun.

Make sure you are checking in with both yourself and your partner (if you’re playing with a partner). Before you get started, get active consent. Talk about limits, fears, or bottom lines to curate an experience of pleasure and not pain (unless pain is your thing, and then define the boundaries together!).

Even if your nipples do not explode orgasmic bliss, it’s OK. Remember, there is no right way to come, and even if you do not have an orgasm at all, that’s OK too. Sex can still be steamy without an orgasm, and the goal in sexuality is to give yourself the gift of embodied pleasure. Make your breasts and nipples a part of the equation, and you’re likely to see a big shift in your whole-body experience of sexual bliss.

The content provided in this article is provided for information purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice and consultation, including professional medical advice and consultation; it is provided with the understanding that BeautyLeeBar, LLC is not engaged in the provision or rendering of medical advice or services. The opinions and content included in the article are the views of the author only, and BeautyLeeBar does not endorse or recommend any such content or information, or any product or service mentioned in the article. You understand and agree that BeautyLeeBar shall not be liable for any claim, loss, or damage arising out of the use of, or reliance upon any content or information in the article.

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Can’t Orgasm? Here’s Why

Published on by Crystal Lee4 Comments

The climax. The big “O.” Coming. Cleave the pin. Let go. Crack your marbles. You’ve heard all the euphemisms, but you haven’t quite been able to get there yourself. So, whenever you have sex, you’re so focused on getting to the finish line yourself that you just can’t seem to quite get there.

We’re here to help! Your sexual pleasure is important, and not being able to orgasm is stressful, uncomfortable, and frustrating. Ready to climax but not sure how? Come (ha) along with me!

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You’re expecting a giant explosion of emotion

The movies (and friends sometimes, too!) can make an orgasm sound like a firework is exploding in your body. Not every orgasm feels like that. As I once said, orgasms are like snowflakes — they’re all unique!

Don’t orgasm-compare either! As much as I love talking to friends about sex, make sure you understand that their experiences are going to be different from yours.

You’re too tense

Relax girl! When you get too overworked making sure you climax, your body can’t “let go.”

Yoga, stretching, really any kind of exercise, and meditation can help you relax and get over all the stress you’re putting your body through. It might also be a good idea to let your partner know that you’re struggling. He or she might be able to help calm your nerves and get your body to relax.  

You and your partner aren’t connecting

As much as I hate to write this one, it could be something in your relationship that’s making orgasming difficult. Whether you’re not connected physically, you’re both stressed about something, you’re miscommunicating, or something else is going on between the two of you, it might make your body tense up or your mind might be in a different place.

Practice some mindfulness. It might sound weird (and difficult!), but stay in the present while you’re having sex. Really be there with your partner and stay focused on what’s happening in the present moment. You’ll feel more gratitude toward your partner, and have better sex (!!!).

Try masturbating

If you haven’t tried getting off on your own, YOU MUST. Ok, it’s not that dramatic, but I would definitely recommend you start here! Masturbation helps you get an idea of what you enjoy, and once you’re able to make yourself orgasm, it’s easier to tell your partner what he or she can do to get you there.

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If you’re struggling to get off from masturbation as well, try adding in toys and trying different positions.

Sex is painful

If sex hurts, obviously you’re not going to enjoy it enough to orgasm. Make an appointment with your doctor ASAP.

If you’re taking some medications

Certain medications can decrease your libido and lower your ability to climax. If this is really bothering you, bring this up with your doctor as well.

You’re afraid of losing control

Self-proclaimed control freak here, and I can say first-hand that being afraid to lose control and let your body go is actually a very common reason for not being able to orgasm. If you’re with a new partner, dealing with body image issues, or dealing with other areas of stress in your life, it’s easy to feel like you don’t want to lose control of your sex life.

Communicate with your partner that you’re struggling with this aspect of your sex life. Getting it off your chest is the first step in relinquishing control, and your partner might be able to ease your mind of some of the (probably false!) narratives you’re telling yourself.

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