How to LAST LONGER IN BED

Hello again, dear friend Anonymous. Welcome back to our sex talk column where readers submit questions, and we do our research and then craft a story to answer as many as we can. This week we tapped Cheryl Fagan, sexpert and founder of On Top, to provide the steamy secret to standout stamina. She’s also responsible for deeply explaining holistic sexuality to our readers.

We know you’re antsy for the answer, so we’ll let her take it from here.

I Want to Last Longer in Bed. What Can I Do? 

“The answer to this question will differ from person to person. This question takes some self-inquiry. It’s not necessarily a matter of tricks and techniques you need to learn but getting real within and knowing what it is that you are expecting from the experience of sex.

Why do you want to last longer? Are you getting tired? Or bored? Is it because the pleasure is so intense you can’t get enough or is it that you think you ‘should be going for longer? This question needs to be considered from a biopsychosocial approach. There could be something going on hormonally or maybe medication is having an influence (I’d encourage seeing a medical professional rule this out). We want to consider some cultural myths or expectations that you may need to let go of. Are there interpersonal relationship issues? Do you feel safe? Do you know your sexual needs matter just as much as your partner’s? How are your self-esteem and sexual energy?

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We live in a culture that is constantly telling us that sex is about performance, but satisfying/nourishing/mind-blowing sex is so much deeper than that. It’s not just about lasting longer but being completely satisfied. So how can we help you find sexual satisfaction…

Without knowing all of the details, I’m going to approach this from a psychological perspective. What did I mean earlier when I said it’s not about tricks, but about self-awareness? Knowing your sexual inhibitions and how to work with them is the key to having the sex life you desire.

Sexual inhibitions can be conscious or subconscious blocks that we have to experience sexual desire or arousal. They can be a result of your upbringing, social conditioning, past experiences, and so on.

It’s not about more techniques or skills but lessening those inhibitions.

One aspect of being sexually empowered is knowing your ons and offs. What turns you on and what turns you off? List them. Consider your most memorable and mind-blowing sexual experience (if you don’t think you’ve had that—what is a fantasy?), and write down what you felt, smelled, saw, tasted, and heard. What was so good about it? Now think of a not-so-great sexual experience and answer those same questions. Don’t judge yourself—if you don’t like some positions, that’s OK, or if you like the lights a certain way, that’s OK. Once you have a better sense of this and can communicate that to yourself and then to your partner(s), you’re on the road to the sex you desire. Being able to honestly communicate about sex is one of the greatest determining factors of how enjoyable sex will be for you.

Once you understand your ons and offs better, act on that. Do the things that increase your arousal and limit the offs. When you’re so aroused, present in the moment, and prioritizing your pleasure and your partner’s pleasure, I am sure it will last as long as you both need for the satisfaction you’re after.”

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8 TIPS TO COMBAT STRESS + ANXIETY

I’ve battled with severe bouts of anxiety since I was a child. I won’t get into my life story spiel on that here today, but if you’d like to see a video or potentially even listen to a podcast episode about that, please comment below! I released my first audio download to test the waters on the idea of doing a podcast, so if you’re interested in that medium and want to hear my intimate answer to the frequently asked question “When/Will you ever be coming to YouTube again?”, subscribe to BeautyLeeBar.com for all the updates!!

What I’m sharing here in this post today is a collection of lessons and practices in no particular order that I’ve learned to put into practice over 20 years of battling with this mental health issue. I am 23 years young, just keep that in mind. I promise you that at least one of these 8 tools will help you help yourself and your mental health TODAY! I use all of them regularly, depending on what my mind and body need on any given day.

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Journal – Brain dumping your emotions, thoughts, and circumstances onto a piece of paper gets them out of your racing mind and onto something outside of yourself that you can digest and reflect on. It doesn’t have to make sense, doesn’t have to be intentional, but it has to flow out of you onto that paper. You can make sense of it and set intentions for yourself regarding what to do with it later. The simple act of doing it will usually provide an immediate sense of relief on its own.

Serving Others – Perspective and purpose is everything. Both can be found in serving others. When we’re drowning in our feels and stuck in a shitty season, it can be challenging to see the potential, opportunities, and blessings we have in our grasp. Being of service and helping others provides a great sense of positive purpose that can enlighten and evolve our perspectives and passions. 

Therapy – I struggled with therapy for a long ass time. I’ve talked and walked my way out of therapist’s offices since I was a kid, but boy oh boy, am I a prime candidate!

I didn’t want to feel crazy. I didn’t want to need therapy.

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So I successfully convinced countless therapists I was fiiine after just a couple of sessions. It wasn’t until my emotions got aggressively thrown out of whack when I decided to work in retail that I finally sought and consistently stick to the regular therapy I’ve needed for far too long. It’s something I look forward to every week. It’s like a verbal journaling session with some friendly professional guidance on the digestion and reflection part.

Support – A therapist is an important form of support because they’re completely unbiased to your situation and emotions… and they’re paid to listen. However, the people who love you are important to support tools to get comfortable uncomfortably leaning into when you’re in need. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed about what they’ll think of you or even feel that you don’t want to burden the people you care about with your shit. Those feelings come from a place of care and consideration for those people, which is something that I’d put good money on is reciprocated. They’ll more than likely want to be there for you in your moments of need. I forget to do this one a lot myself, but I’m lucky to have a friend that knows me better than myself some days and pushes me to lean in just when I need to.

Exercise – MOVE. YOUR. BODY. Endorphins are magical things!!! Sweat that anxiety out of your pores one mile or burpee or downward dog at a time. Actively moving your body works wonders for your mind. ALL THE TIME.

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Pray – Whether you’re praying to God or the universe or your loved ones passed or… the black space you see when you close your eyes, whatever works! And it works. Simply voicing your please’s and thank you’s is something we forget to do when we grow up and take the burden of life directly on our backs. Thank you for this and please help me with that. These are super simple sentences that make a big impact in making you feel like you can push gratitude and desires out of your mind and off of your shoulders alone.

Read – Knowledge is power. Educating myself in digestible tidbits daily has done wonders for my confidence and anxiety. Learning is a powerful tool for gaining perspective and inspiring passion and purpose. It’s also just a great temporary distraction from your own whirling thoughts!

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Just Fucking Cry – Self-explanatory. Sometimes, ya just gotta do it and when you give in to that moment, it can feel so good. I’m not a crier… unless I’m watching Forrest Gump, Irreplaceable You, Blue Is The Warmest Color, Freedom Writers, Moonlight, The Pursuit of Happyness, Pearl Harbor, The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, Fruitvale Station and Boys Don’t Cry. I’m a sucker for a heartbreaking/heartwarming story and usually, my tears come from empathy for others, but I don’t cry often for myself. I used to. Then life happens and you get used to sucking it up and moving forward, but sometimes that bottles something up that needs releasing. If that anxiety has you stuck, it’s usually a good time to let the waterworks flow for a hot minute. Indulge in it and let it out.

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These obviously aren’t all of the ways you can relieve anxiety, but they’re mine and now, if any of them resonated with you, they’re yours! They’re simple, you don’t need a prescription for any of ‘em and you can practice them anytime, anywhere. It’s good to have a few of these tools in your back pocket at all times because as I’m sure you already know if you’re reading this, anxiety can be one unpredictable witch!

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